Kim Rules

It's fucking freezing in here

2005-02-04T19:02:00.000+09:00

It's so damn cold it's hard to type.

So I sold uranium to Lybia. If I didn't, who would have helped my Arab brothers out in there struggle against whatever they are struggling against? Although that damn Ghaddafi wanted to hold my hand all the time when he visited. If he wasn't a customer I would have shot him there and then. I wonder what gave it away. I told them don't put "Made in PDRK" stickers on the crates.

I'll bet you all drew the same conclusion. He's not updating this site. Reports that the country is falling apart. Put them together and viola - ol' pal Kim is gone-ski. Well wrong! All I can say is do you think it a co-incidence the Pope's got "the flu"?

Is this thing on?

2005-01-07T17:38:00.000+09:00

I've been busy making plans. It should now be obvious why I took that picture of myself down a while back. I was practicing the plan. Have you ever tried quickly taking down your favourite picture? It isn't easy. Especially if the four virgins you've got doing it aren't wearing underwear. Or clothes at all, for that matter. I had to spank them vigorously for their poor work.

This is bad

2004-12-13T09:58:00.000+09:00

Where am I going to get my shit now?

It's tough enough running this country as it is. If I can't get my "medication" how the hell am I meant to get through the day? It might be time for another "agricultural research project". I wonder if getting nude virgins to plant the seeds will help them grow better? It will certainly help the Little Dictator to grow better.

Working for da man

2004-12-10T09:58:00.000+09:00

You lose, you die.

Making it easy for police

2004-12-09T10:36:00.000+09:00

I am the law.

Double trouble

2004-12-07T19:47:00.000+09:00

It's bad enough my son is emailing his "friends." Imagine how I flipped out when I read my son used a South Korean ID! Holy fucking shit. What does a man have to do to lay out a succession?

This is really starting to piss me off. And you wonder why I don't want to talk.

Modern parenting

2004-12-06T11:13:00.000+09:00

You'd think it's enough I'm the ruler of the Free World, leaders of the Worker's Revolution and the world expert on Juche. But I've still got an idiot son to deal with. He rings me to tell me he's just discovered, "this really cool thing called e-mail. You can send messages to your friends. It's like writing letters but the censors can't read it!" See what I mean by idiotic? Who am I going to leave this country to? I was never this stupid when I was growing up.

Was I?

Things you should know

2004-12-02T09:52:00.000+09:00

In North Korea, there are no AIDS victims, no poverty, no hunger, no begging, no dirt, no nitrogen, no McDonalds, no IT or HR departments and no stubbed toes.

This is why we call it the Worker's Paradise.

It's not easy

2004-12-01T13:44:00.000+09:00

I sometimes like to play a little game, comrades. I imagine what life must be like for people like you. I'll bet if you look in your heart of hearts you will find you are jealous of me. You have delusions of what my life is like. You think that I can wake up late, go where I please, do what I like, have my pick of women, feast and drink, live without inhibitions or restrictions. Once you've had your fill of that you can lock up anyone who pisses you off, watch everyone praising you on TV or at the movies, enjoy being the ruler of millions and having everyone fearing and respecting you. You can attend to affairs of state. You can play chicken with the leader of the "free world". You can get some really cool nuclear toys and still have it all wrapped up by dinner time. Then you go home and screw some delightful young beauty before gorging on another banquet.

Guess what.

That's exactly what my life is like. Hahahahahaha!

Suffer, fools. I had enough brains to get my own country so I can do all this stuff and no-one, no-one is going to take it away.

Now where's my virgin?

Why him?

2004-11-29T11:51:00.000+09:00

Lucky bastard. He's out already. All I've got to look forward to is putting my pictures up and down all day.

Stepping up

2004-11-27T13:22:00.000+09:00

Some impertinent foll dares asks what I think of this? Let me explain. There is only one way I can finally come out of my Daddy's shadow and assume the post of President of our beloved Democratic People's Republic. I have to die. Some argue I've looked dead for years...but my impression didn't take. It was obvious what the next step had to be. I had to die. So now I'm President and my Daddy can finally rest in peace. Just as well. He didn't look too good in uniform or at those Cabinet meetings. And boy did he smell.

In conclusion: I'm dead*, long live me.

* _{I'm not really dead. I'm just pretending. Everyone so seems to enjoy playing my games, just as they so enjoy my jokes. I'm so gifted it's scary.}

WTF

2004-11-25T11:31:00.000+09:00

What do they mean "North Korea" style elections in the Ukraine? What's with the scare quotes? My elections are always honest. My people love me. They love me too much. Even the PLA love me.

He even looks like me

2004-11-24T19:33:00.000+09:00

Hey, what gives? This kind of thing is my schtick...well, it was.

Big pictures of yourself everywhere is soooooooo last year.

What is it with people?

2004-11-24T14:57:00.000+09:00

I fucking hate being a dictator. I said to my defence minister over some kimchi that I had wanted to get rid of the gas problem I've been having, and it turns into this. Good help is so hard to find.

Another thing. In these modern times it is necessary even for as beloved a leader as myself to maintain certain security precautions. A key one is having decoys: fine men have been deliberately altered to pretend to be me. Obviously they will never be quite like the perfection that I represent, but they can be passable. Judge for yourself. It's good to know there are still brave men prepared to take a bullet or two for me.

Am I Screwing With Your Mind?

2004-11-23T17:14:00.000+09:00

Yes.

I don't understand you

2004-11-22T20:03:00.000+09:00

You think flattery is something new for me? Nominating me for awards means nothing to me. I have absolutely no doubt you damn imperialists will manipulate the results so I do not win, even though I won my last election with 100.2% of the vote...and that was before we counted the overseas ballots. The only pregnany chads that time was after a nasty incident at one poll both where a typographical error resulted in the sign reading porn booth. Highest turnout in the country.

At least your country is following in our steps: now you are having your riots at sports stadiums, just like us!

Finally proof that George W. is just a big fat bully. Now can you understand why I need nukes?

Problem solved

2004-11-22T14:10:00.000+09:00

My pictures are back up. As punishment I got the idiot that pulled them down to put them all up using superglue this time. The only way they're coming off is if they tear the building down.

Tourism

2004-11-18T19:48:00.000+09:00

I'm not used to this talking back thing. You want to know what's going on? I'll tell you. You try getting everyone to call you Dear Leader and put up with all the Bambi jokes.

They are just not funny.

Right I'm off to a place where the people are warm and friendly and the nights glow.

Don't believe a word

2004-11-17T18:21:00.000+09:00

What the fuck is going on? I set myself up on this blogger thing and a couple of weeks later there's already someone passing themself off as me.

And you wonder why I'm taking my pictures down. How many fucking Kim Jong-Il blogs can the world take? Unless this is my multiple personalities manifesting themselves again.

Moving forward

2004-11-16T17:13:00.000+09:00

I'll give up the nukes if she comes to Pyongyang and does a private dance for me. Very private.

HiFi Way

2004-11-15T09:40:00.000+09:00

Do those American capitalist pigs think North Koreans are stupid? The Yankee pigs intend to sneak in tiny radios. Good luck to them. My latest decree has increased the price of batteries 700%, to two buckets of rice. Ha!

Personally I'd prefer if they snuck in some plasma TVs. I heard those things rock.

Strange noises

2004-11-12T09:45:00.000+09:00

I met Yasser Arafat once. I know they say not to speak ill of the dead, but he's dead and can't do anything about it now.

We sat down and started with the usual chit-chat. Bombs, money, bombs, dirty Americans and a few rude jokes. Then he started pawing at the gold goblets and even though he thought I didn't notice, he swiped the silver cutlery. No one else noticed, because he and his flunkeys were using their fingers and eating like, well, Arabs. He is a very tactile person - he wanted to hold my hand all the time, which I didn't like at all. He didn't even wash his hands after using the bathroom (don't ask how I know. This is North Korea. I know.)

He was very worried about his security, if the constant closeness with which he held on to his bodyguard was any guide. It was just as well, because while everyone was sleeping my guards heard some strangle strangling noises and groans coming from the room he was staying in. Thank God he had that bodyguard, because we burst in to find the guard covering Arafat completely. The guard was so alert he hadn't even had time to put any clothes on! I told my guards they could learn from this dedication to service.

Limelight

2004-11-11T14:02:00.000+09:00

Goddamn Yasser Arafat finally makes a decision and dies. Excellent news. It'll give me some cover while I do something suitably crazy, just to screw up the latest CIA assessment. That's right - I'm going to invade China.

I double dare you

2004-11-10T15:42:00.000+09:00

I took the red marker, drew a line on the marble and crossed it. Put that in your peace pipe and smoke it, George W.

By the way: shut up! You're giving all our secrets away and trying beat me in the crazy stakes. You're out of your league, buddy. Bring me those 70 new arrivals from Beijing. I feel like target practice.

Someone I can do business with

2004-11-10T11:56:00.000+09:00

I gladly accept this man as the USA's first ambassador to the People's Democratic Republic of Korea.

Kim's saying of the day

2004-11-09T18:53:00.000+09:00

Only by standing on the shoulders of giants can I get everyone to look me in the eye. It has the added bonus of adding to the down-trodden at the same time.

Now you laugh or you go to the gulag! Louder! LOUDER!

Krauts ruined my lunch

2004-11-09T15:38:00.000+09:00

Comrades:

I was busy munching down some delicious grass when I almost spat the soil across the table when I read this junk about "opposition" to my rule. I am an open and tolerant ruler. People may disagree slightly with my broad intellect. But all this talk of anti-me slogans on trains? Famines? Coups? Fucking Germans. Think they know everything. I know these things are not true, because I never once went hungary and I rode a train and all it had on it was what a great person I am, which is completely true.

They talk about my "ten palaces, complete with golf courses, stables and movie theaters. His garages are filled with luxury cars. The CIA estimates the family's wealth at four billion dollars, part of which is deposited in Swiss bank accounts....In the 1980s, he launched the "Project to Guarantee the Longevity of the Great and the Dear Leader." What this means, specifically, is that about 2,000 young women serve the leadership in "satisfaction teams" (sexual service) and "happiness teams" (massage)." What am I meant to do? Starve? Walk everywhere? Slept out in the wild? Not have jiggy-jig?

At least my friends in Uganda have their heads screwed on right. Damn right I've got the right to self-defence. Otherwise the Americans might put the flipping Germans in charge. After all, they've got plenty of experience in putting split countries together again, haven't they? And it all worked out so well for them.

Damn it, now I've got to go and find some more grass to eat.

What the hell?

2004-11-08T17:36:00.000+09:00

I'm reading some pseudo-academic drivel on how blogs will rule the world when I almost spat my kimchi across the table on reading this:

North Korea is perhaps the most blog-unfriendly nation. Only political elites and foreigners are allowed access to the Internet. As might be expected, there are no blogs within North Korea, nor any easy way for ordinary North Koreans to access foreign blogs.

What's this then? Chopped liver?

Time to close some universities. I hate academics. Always so smug about "publications" and "footnotes".

It was my idea first

2004-11-08T16:39:00.000+09:00

So Comrades, there I am, surfing on North Korea's finest broadband connection (a massive 2k/minute. Suck on that, you Southern "netizens") when I come across the news my friends are going to block those worthy sites that sing my praises. Fuck them. It was my idea first to oppressively control the flow of information to citizens. Give credit where credit is due.

If I think about it, this democracy caper actually doesn't sound so bad. I could set up a parliament like Taiwan and go each week for my regular dose of boxing.

Starting the week

2004-11-08T09:52:00.000+09:00

I hate Mondays. I'm going to abolish them.

Reason to invade the South #9482

2004-11-06T19:58:00.000+09:00

Never has a country needed the policy of Juche as badly as my Southern compatriots. We have a saying here in the North (my book of saying is available at all North Korea bookstores, supermarkets, hospitals and beaches): "If it's not Korean, it's not Kimchi.

I'm surprised they haven't asked me to invade yet.

Where's my insurance form?

2004-11-05T17:24:00.000+09:00

Firstly Fidel fell over and broke some bones, prompting plenty of "Fall of Castro" puns. Now Yasser's basically dead, maybe from AIDS.

Comrades, these things come in threes. I'm not feeling so good. Time to launch a missile over Japan.

Why didn't any one tell me?

2004-11-05T11:03:00.000+09:00

I need a haircut.

Where's my coat?

2004-11-05T10:07:00.000+09:00

Winter's approaching. There's a nip in the air. So I do what any dictator does and start the heater, the start of the art Moscow 1957 model. Two weeks later the bill turns up and I see that the oil price has gone through the roof! Oi vey.

I open my latest copy of the Imperialist Post and discover an article all about me. I can't read English, which in part says The Dear Leader is a pudgy 5-foot-3-inch Stalinist who wears elevator shoes and a puffy pompadour in an unsuccessful attempt to gain stature. Like Hitler, he's an arty aesthete who prefers kitschy artifice to grim reality...my helpful staff translated this as The towering figure, the light to us all who will lead us to our glorious future. He's just like his father. Very nice. Shame I had to use the paper to warm up the palace...it seems like a good article.

No pleasing some people

2004-11-04T18:07:00.000+09:00

Ungrateful bastard. Double rations, his pick of Japanese defectors for a bride, only a little bit of study each day and special quarters with its own barbed wire and recording equipment.

Would a thank you be too much to ask?

New Beginnings

2004-11-04T16:45:00.000+09:00

Comrades:

The American capitalist pig dogs have re-elected George W., and some think that means I'm in trouble. That's not trouble. Trouble is having a son who likes Disneyland and Beijing more than learning the ropes...and then insulting me! You think that's bad...try setting up a blog! I'm going to have to stall those talks a little longer until I can work out this thing. I had one on Live Journal for a while until people started reading it. That better not happen again or I'll get my Chinese friends to get the prods out.

Right, where's the cook and dancing girls?

Just like me

2004-11-02T14:33:00.000+09:00

Should George W. win tomorrow, he'll be following in my footsteps. I also won an election after my Daddy left the post...except Daddy's still in the post. You know what I mean.