Friday, November 12, 2004

Strange noises

I met Yasser Arafat once. I know they say not to speak ill of the dead, but he's dead and can't do anything about it now.

We sat down and started with the usual chit-chat. Bombs, money, bombs, dirty Americans and a few rude jokes. Then he started pawing at the gold goblets and even though he thought I didn't notice, he swiped the silver cutlery. No one else noticed, because he and his flunkeys were using their fingers and eating like, well, Arabs. He is a very tactile person - he wanted to hold my hand all the time, which I didn't like at all. He didn't even wash his hands after using the bathroom (don't ask how I know. This is North Korea. I know.)

He was very worried about his security, if the constant closeness with which he held on to his bodyguard was any guide. It was just as well, because while everyone was sleeping my guards heard some strangle strangling noises and groans coming from the room he was staying in. Thank God he had that bodyguard, because we burst in to find the guard covering Arafat completely. The guard was so alert he hadn't even had time to put any clothes on! I told my guards they could learn from this dedication to service.

Thursday, November 11, 2004


Goddamn Yasser Arafat finally makes a decision and dies. Excellent news. It'll give me some cover while I do something suitably crazy, just to screw up the latest CIA assessment. That's right - I'm going to invade China.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

I double dare you

I took the red marker, drew a line on the marble and crossed it. Put that in your peace pipe and smoke it, George W.

By the way: shut up! You're giving all our secrets away and trying beat me in the crazy stakes. You're out of your league, buddy. Bring me those 70 new arrivals from Beijing. I feel like target practice.

Someone I can do business with

I gladly accept this man as the USA's first ambassador to the People's Democratic Republic of Korea.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Kim's saying of the day

Only by standing on the shoulders of giants can I get everyone to look me in the eye. It has the added bonus of adding to the down-trodden at the same time.

Now you laugh or you go to the gulag! Louder! LOUDER!

Krauts ruined my lunch


I was busy munching down some delicious grass when I almost spat the soil across the table when I read this junk about "opposition" to my rule. I am an open and tolerant ruler. People may disagree slightly with my broad intellect. But all this talk of anti-me slogans on trains? Famines? Coups? Fucking Germans. Think they know everything. I know these things are not true, because I never once went hungary and I rode a train and all it had on it was what a great person I am, which is completely true.

They talk about my "ten palaces, complete with golf courses, stables and movie theaters. His garages are filled with luxury cars. The CIA estimates the family's wealth at four billion dollars, part of which is deposited in Swiss bank accounts....In the 1980s, he launched the "Project to Guarantee the Longevity of the Great and the Dear Leader." What this means, specifically, is that about 2,000 young women serve the leadership in "satisfaction teams" (sexual service) and "happiness teams" (massage)." What am I meant to do? Starve? Walk everywhere? Slept out in the wild? Not have jiggy-jig?

At least my friends in Uganda have their heads screwed on right. Damn right I've got the right to self-defence. Otherwise the Americans might put the flipping Germans in charge. After all, they've got plenty of experience in putting split countries together again, haven't they? And it all worked out so well for them.

Damn it, now I've got to go and find some more grass to eat.

Monday, November 08, 2004

What the hell?

I'm reading some pseudo-academic drivel on how blogs will rule the world when I almost spat my kimchi across the table on reading this:
North Korea is perhaps the most blog-unfriendly nation. Only political elites and foreigners are allowed access to the Internet. As might be expected, there are no blogs within North Korea, nor any easy way for ordinary North Koreans to access foreign blogs.
What's this then? Chopped liver?

Time to close some universities. I hate academics. Always so smug about "publications" and "footnotes".

It was my idea first

So Comrades, there I am, surfing on North Korea's finest broadband connection (a massive 2k/minute. Suck on that, you Southern "netizens") when I come across the news my friends are going to block those worthy sites that sing my praises. Fuck them. It was my idea first to oppressively control the flow of information to citizens. Give credit where credit is due.

If I think about it, this democracy caper actually doesn't sound so bad. I could set up a parliament like Taiwan and go each week for my regular dose of boxing.

Starting the week

I hate Mondays. I'm going to abolish them.