Saturday, November 06, 2004

Reason to invade the South #9482

Never has a country needed the policy of Juche as badly as my Southern compatriots. We have a saying here in the North (my book of saying is available at all North Korea bookstores, supermarkets, hospitals and beaches): "If it's not Korean, it's not Kimchi.

I'm surprised they haven't asked me to invade yet.
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Friday, November 05, 2004

Where's my insurance form?

Firstly Fidel fell over and broke some bones, prompting plenty of "Fall of Castro" puns. Now Yasser's basically dead, maybe from AIDS.

Comrades, these things come in threes. I'm not feeling so good. Time to launch a missile over Japan.
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Why didn't any one tell me?

I need a haircut.
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Where's my coat?

Winter's approaching. There's a nip in the air. So I do what any dictator does and start the heater, the start of the art Moscow 1957 model. Two weeks later the bill turns up and I see that the oil price has gone through the roof! Oi vey.

I open my latest copy of the Imperialist Post and discover an article all about me. I can't read English, which in part says The Dear Leader is a pudgy 5-foot-3-inch Stalinist who wears elevator shoes and a puffy pompadour in an unsuccessful attempt to gain stature. Like Hitler, he's an arty aesthete who prefers kitschy artifice to grim reality...my helpful staff translated this as The towering figure, the light to us all who will lead us to our glorious future. He's just like his father. Very nice. Shame I had to use the paper to warm up the palace...it seems like a good article.
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Thursday, November 04, 2004

No pleasing some people

Ungrateful bastard. Double rations, his pick of Japanese defectors for a bride, only a little bit of study each day and special quarters with its own barbed wire and recording equipment.

Would a thank you be too much to ask?
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New Beginnings

Comrades:

The American capitalist pig dogs have re-elected George W., and some think that means I'm in trouble. That's not trouble. Trouble is having a son who likes Disneyland and Beijing more than learning the ropes...and then insulting me! You think that's bad...try setting up a blog! I'm going to have to stall those talks a little longer until I can work out this thing. I had one on Live Journal for a while until people started reading it. That better not happen again or I'll get my Chinese friends to get the prods out.

Right, where's the cook and dancing girls?
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Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Just like me

Should George W. win tomorrow, he'll be following in my footsteps. I also won an election after my Daddy left the post...except Daddy's still in the post. You know what I mean.
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