Friday, February 04, 2005

It's fucking freezing in here

It's so damn cold it's hard to type.

So I sold uranium to Lybia. If I didn't, who would have helped my Arab brothers out in there struggle against whatever they are struggling against? Although that damn Ghaddafi wanted to hold my hand all the time when he visited. If he wasn't a customer I would have shot him there and then. I wonder what gave it away. I told them don't put "Made in PDRK" stickers on the crates.

I'll bet you all drew the same conclusion. He's not updating this site. Reports that the country is falling apart. Put them together and viola - ol' pal Kim is gone-ski. Well wrong! All I can say is do you think it a co-incidence the Pope's got "the flu"?

Friday, January 07, 2005

Is this thing on?

I've been busy making plans. It should now be obvious why I took that picture of myself down a while back. I was practicing the plan. Have you ever tried quickly taking down your favourite picture? It isn't easy. Especially if the four virgins you've got doing it aren't wearing underwear. Or clothes at all, for that matter. I had to spank them vigorously for their poor work.

Monday, December 13, 2004

This is bad

Where am I going to get my shit now?

It's tough enough running this country as it is. If I can't get my "medication" how the hell am I meant to get through the day? It might be time for another "agricultural research project". I wonder if getting nude virgins to plant the seeds will help them grow better? It will certainly help the Little Dictator to grow better.

Friday, December 10, 2004

Working for da man


Thursday, December 09, 2004

Making it easy for police


Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Double trouble

It's bad enough my son is emailing his "friends." Imagine how I flipped out when I read my son used a South Korean ID! Holy fucking shit. What does a man have to do to lay out a succession?

This is really starting to piss me off. And you wonder why I don't want to talk.

Monday, December 06, 2004

Modern parenting

You'd think it's enough I'm the ruler of the Free World, leaders of the Worker's Revolution and the world expert on Juche. But I've still got an idiot son to deal with. He rings me to tell me he's just discovered, "this really cool thing called e-mail. You can send messages to your friends. It's like writing letters but the censors can't read it!" See what I mean by idiotic? Who am I going to leave this country to? I was never this stupid when I was growing up.

Was I?

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Things you should know

In North Korea, there are no AIDS victims, no poverty, no hunger, no begging, no dirt, no nitrogen, no McDonalds, no IT or HR departments and no stubbed toes.

This is why we call it the Worker's Paradise.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

It's not easy

I sometimes like to play a little game, comrades. I imagine what life must be like for people like you. I'll bet if you look in your heart of hearts you will find you are jealous of me. You have delusions of what my life is like. You think that I can wake up late, go where I please, do what I like, have my pick of women, feast and drink, live without inhibitions or restrictions. Once you've had your fill of that you can lock up anyone who pisses you off, watch everyone praising you on TV or at the movies, enjoy being the ruler of millions and having everyone fearing and respecting you. You can attend to affairs of state. You can play chicken with the leader of the "free world". You can get some really cool nuclear toys and still have it all wrapped up by dinner time. Then you go home and screw some delightful young beauty before gorging on another banquet.

Guess what.

That's exactly what my life is like. Hahahahahaha!

Suffer, fools. I had enough brains to get my own country so I can do all this stuff and no-one, no-one is going to take it away.

Now where's my virgin?

Monday, November 29, 2004

Why him?

Lucky bastard. He's out already. All I've got to look forward to is putting my pictures up and down all day.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

Stepping up

Some impertinent foll dares asks what I think of this? Let me explain. There is only one way I can finally come out of my Daddy's shadow and assume the post of President of our beloved Democratic People's Republic. I have to die. Some argue I've looked dead for years...but my impression didn't take. It was obvious what the next step had to be. I had to die. So now I'm President and my Daddy can finally rest in peace. Just as well. He didn't look too good in uniform or at those Cabinet meetings. And boy did he smell.

In conclusion: I'm dead*, long live me.

* I'm not really dead. I'm just pretending. Everyone so seems to enjoy playing my games, just as they so enjoy my jokes. I'm so gifted it's scary.

Thursday, November 25, 2004


What do they mean "North Korea" style elections in the Ukraine? What's with the scare quotes? My elections are always honest. My people love me. They love me too much. Even the PLA love me.